Tick Tock

No. I'm not talking about my biological clock ticking (because it's not really - more like the batteries in my clock are going flat and they're not the rechargeable type).

No, I'm talking about real time. Before I found out I was infertile time was, well, just time. Irrelevant. Just ask my friends and family. I had no concept of time. My sister used to refer to events or appointments in two terms. Normal time and "Tiffany time". I'm never on time for anything and I always misjudge how long things will take me. This seems to happen most often when pressing the snooze button. I somehow convince myself that I can keep sleeping and will be able to shower, eat breakfast, get ready for work and arrive there all in the space of 30 minutes. It all seems perfectly reasonable when lying in the comfort of my warm bed with a furry friend or two purring agreement in my ear.

However, I digress. (Distractable AND poor time management skills. Oh dear.)

Tomorrow is the 1st of September. Not only is it the first day of a new month, it's the first day of a new season. Spring. My favourite season. Tiffany prior to infertility would leave it at that and choof along merrily enjoying the sunshine and being late for everything.

Tiffany post infertility sees things in a different light altogether. Days, weeks, months go by but no day is just an arbitrary date in time anymore. Tomorrow is the 1st September. Tomorrow marks three years since my husband and I started trying to have a baby. Tomorrow is 4 weeks since we found out that our two embryos decided not to stick around. Tomorrow is 7 days since I ovulated (did I miraculously fall pregnant naturally this month?) Tomorrow is the first day of my new "top quality embryo making regime" (TQEMR?? - still working on an acronym that will roll off the tongue for that one). Tomorrow is 7 days till my period is due. Tomorrow is 3 months till I start my next IVF cycle. And each day that passes after that is another day closer to my already dimished ovarian reserve drying out completely.

Time doesn't hold the same meaning as it used to. It's so easy now to get out of bed at 5am in the middle of Winter when it's dark. I get to go see my doctor, and hopefully I'm one month, one week or one day closer to having my baby. I will be a mother one day. It's just taking a little more time than I had expected.